Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Michael Bay diarrhea
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
