Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
