you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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