I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
