P.S. I can't hear my feet
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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