I didn't shave. On purpose
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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