what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
