if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
