If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
this hospital has no fireball
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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