Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
