Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
