Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
