I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
