My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
