You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
