so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
