He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
