If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
