i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
