if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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