If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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