The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
