just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
