Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
