Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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