I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
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Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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