if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
