True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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