I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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