My room smells like vodka and shame
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
