video games are the ultimate cock blocker
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
