i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
