first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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