I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just had sex on a roof
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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