So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
