1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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