I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
then he tried to convert me to islam
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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