Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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