I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
