wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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