Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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