i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
