Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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