I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
