it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
