I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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