How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
