it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
