I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
