First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
