there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
