you guys were way drunker than both of me
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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