I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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