I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My breasts were aching with rage.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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